This Is Grief

I’ve been feeling really down this week, after having a couple of weeks of feeling much better.  I had started to think that maybe I was out of the woods, until this week.  Then I spent the last 5 days feeling sad and tearful and grumpy, and my first thought was of course, “Oh god, here we go again.”

And it only gets worse from there.  Thoughts of “I don’t know if I can do this again,” and “I don’t know if I have another episode in me,” and “I might not survive this one.”  Thoughts of how bad it might get, of going back to where I was.

I know it sounds dramatic, but that’s where I’ve been this past year.  It has been almost a year since I felt truly okay.   It has been possibly the worst year of my entire life, and it really sucks to say that, since it’s the year I had my daughter.

I had therapy today, and it’s probably a good thing I did, because my therapist was able to help me sort some things out.  Specifically, that what I’m going through right now ISN’T depression, it’s grief.  I’m grieving for the life I left behind when we moved, and for the year I’ve lost to this depression.  I have reason to grieve, and it’s okay.  It doesn’t mean I’m getting sick again.

My therapist encouraged me to think of a mantra I can use to keep myself grounded when I start to feel overwhelmed by the fear that I might be getting sick again, and this is it: “This is grief.”  Not depression, but grief.  And there will be an end to my grieving some day, I hope.

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