I’m feeling maybe a little more even. I’m almost afraid to post about it, like I might jinx myself, but I seem to be doing a little better. I’m less sad. I’m no longer crying for hours every day. And I’m less angry. I was so, so angry. Angry at the world, and angry at my husband for bringing us to New City for his work. I realize how unfair this is, but that didn’t really keep me from being angry. It just made me feel like an a*****e for being angry. So then I was mad at him and mad at me. A truly winning combination.
I adjusted my meds after a phone consultation, and it seems to be helping. I mean, the higher dose leaves me feeling like genuine grade-A crap for most of the evening (I have to take it around 6 pm if I am going to be able to wake up on time the next morning, and I start feeling bad an hour or so after I take it), but I guess feeling like I’ve been physically hit by a truck for hours a day is better than feeling like I’m being emotionally ripped to shreds by an angry velociraptor all day every day.
Anyway, I feel pretty blunted most of the time now, but sadly that’s an improvement. I’m sure I’m easier for other people to be around. I know I’m finding it easier to be around myself. I’m hoping that I don’t have to stay on such a high dose forever, because of how it makes me feel, but I know that this is safer for me right now.
I have an appointment tomorrow with a new psychiatrist. Maybe she will be able to help me find a better mix.
I’ve seen three different therapists here so far, and all of them have been disasters to a greater or lesser extent. One told me I was too sick for her to work with. (What are you doing in mental health if you don’t want to work with people who are sick?! And why did you specifically advertise doing peripartum?! This is what peripartum mood problems look like.) One was great, but then didn’t call me back for almost two weeks, after I left her two messages, and then when I did get through to her claimed she didn’t call back because she didn’t have my number. (I left it in each message. Don’t gaslight me. I got enough of that from my mother growing up and it makes me sick.) One told me not to get pregnant again. To her credit, she immediately apologized and clearly felt terrible, but I am so hurt and upset and don’t feel like I can trust her to not say something else totally awful and crushing. (I have a four-month-old, and I’ve been way too depressed to do anything that would get me pregnant, so really it felt ridiculous and condescending. Also, one of my biggest fears is that this experience means that I shouldn’t have any more kids, and mostly I just try to keep in mind that this is way too soon to make that kind of decision and I don’t need to get worked up over it right now).
I’m honestly a little embarrassed to have gone through so many without finding one that works. I feel like maybe it’s something wrong with me, or that other people will think it’s something wrong with me. But I have my reasons with each one. And a call in to yet another one to try.
I really wish that I could just keep my old therapist from back home.