I have tried half-assedly to blog in the past. I’m not very good at it. I don’t keep up with it, or I start a post, then get all self-conscious and delete it. BUT, right now, I have some things to say, and some things that I think might be worth sharing with other people, too.
You see, around seven weeks ago, I had a baby. And around seven months ago, I went crazy. I mean, I’ve had mental health struggles before (who hasn’t? I guess some folks, or it wouldn’t be considered a problem, but that’s a different rabbit hole…), but nothing like this. For a lot of new moms, depression, bipolar disorder, OCD and other mental nastiness are part of the postpartum experience. For some folks, postpartum starts actually postpartum, but for a lot of folks, myself included, the problems start during pregnancy. Which is how I have come to be a brand-new mama who has been sick for a while now. Things are better than they were while I was preggers, but I’m still not back to myself. A lot of days, I feel gray inside. I feel like the ghost of myself. And this is me feeling better.
My therapist says this is normal, that recovery from this sort of thing is slow. I’m trying to believe her and her fancy doctoral degree and years of experience specializing in peripartum mental health and her blah blah blah, but honestly, some days it feels like I’m never going to get better.
What I’m hoping to do with this blog, at least for now, if I manage to make myself keep up with it, is to write about my experience. I’m no longer in the Darkest Depths of Despair, but also not really better yet, not back to where I feel like me. Maybe it will help someone else feel less alone. Or maybe just unknot some of the tangles inside my own head. Or something.